Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Coming out of Survival Mode
Just some encouragement I would like to share, bare with me and I am going to start at the very grim beginning!! I am not wanting anyone feeling sorry for me, I am simply wanting to show where God brought me from. Time flies believe it or not, I can remember summer breaks while in elementary school and even middle school where the days seemed to drag on and on. It was so hot and of course we thought we had nothing to do!! Now I am 31 and have three babies of my own. If you had ask me 3 years ago if I thought I was going to make it with my sanity intact I probably would have said no! The twins were one and the baby brand new. Baiscally the last four years are a total blur except for main events like birthday and Christmas, anything else there is not much chance I could remember. My Spiritual life was experiencing near starvation and I could see no light at the end of the tunnel. I was sure God and Jesus had forgotten where I was, not becuase of them but because I had no strength left to even visit with Them, or so I thought. I would have melt downs about once a week and Chad would just reassure me that things would get better and it wasn't always going to be like this. He was such a stable force most of the time just holding me up becuase I couldn't do it myself. I also struggled terribly with post partum depression, some days just breathing hurt and took more than I thought I could do much less take care of three children who were totally dependent upon me. Other than my mother and mother in law I was totally by myself. They did a wonderful job when they could, mom worked and my mother in law is a pastor's wife which meant a lot of traveling. Don't get me wrong they helped out an enormous amount, if it had not been for them I would not have made it and would have probably suffered a nervous break down. Some days I could barely breathe, trying to find a light at the end of the tunnel was impossible. I drifted further from God and further from family and friends. I dreaded having to talk to anyone. I look back now and can see where the devil took advantage of my situation. Had I have known what was going on, suffering from depression and not allowing the Lord to carry me, I see the mistakes I made. Dont get me wrong, even if I had maintained my relationship with the Lord I know it still would have been a heavy load, just not as heavy. Now let's fast forward a few years as I sit here at my computer I want to be able to help anyone that I can. The Lord allowed me to go through the last four years and I am not going to keep it to myself, I went through it, I survived and I am stronger today because of it. I am a MOM!! I missed so much of the girls early growing up because I did not know what I should be doing or could be doing that would make life so much easier. Everyday was just the same do whatever it takes to survive until they go to bed. That is no way to live but I didn't know any other way to live! The fact is unless you have multiple children at one time no one can understand what you are going through. And then I went and got pregnant when they were six months old!! Which turned out to be the best blessing of my life, as all my children are. A year or so ago I started pleading with the Lord to please help me, I would do anything if I could just stop living like that. So of course my loving Saviour looked down on me and began to work in my clay, I had finally reached the bottom and knew I couldn't do it myself. I had been trying to raise my children by myself. When you finally fall on the rock or the rock falls on you and you realize that you need Him, He will meet you. I do regret that I have missed out on the last few years but I know the Lord is good and I can enjoy the rest of the years. So my encouragment to any mom would be that you can do it, it's going to be hard and you are going to be totally exhausted most of the time but let the Lord help you and keep you!! I praise the Lord for His wonderful mercy and strength.Now my goal is to make the best of the years I have left with my girls, they grow up and leave way to fast! As Sis Peach says "Jesus will help you....If you let Him"